A Way to Say I Love You

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

There were a lot of tapping noises going on right now, with a great variety in how it sounded, too. The pen causing it banged against many surfaces, such as the edge of a wooden desk, a pad of paper, the back of a paw, and even the pen holder’s head.

Leif continued to tap away while also clutching his head with his other forepaw as he stared down at the blank page before him. The emptiness of it taunted him. It’s like the two were currently locked in battle, and it was winning. It shouldn’t be this hard. 

Come on… Just start with the introduction…

Leif moved the pen to the top of the page, putting it down on its surface, but froze before he began writing.

“Dear Iris” still sounds like too much… I don’t want to come off strong like that. Is just “Iris” enough? Or is that too little?

All of this time, and he was still stuck on the very first line. All of his previous attempts ended in failure, evidenced by a sizeable pile of crumpled paper balls on the floor. He had already tried “For my one and only”, “To the most perfect cat I’ve met”, “My sweet flower” and so many more. All of those were way too forward, and way too weird sounding for his taste. Maybe he should look at his resources again. Turning to the computer screen also at his desk, he scrolled through all his open tabs:

“how to write a love letter”

“thesaurus.com”

“words meaning love”

“iris flower meaning”

“words that sound smart”

After a quick browse through all of them, focusing a lot of attention on the first tab, he switched attention back to blank paper. 

Come on! Just start!

Drifting the pen across the page, Leif began.

“To Iris,”

That worked. 

“I hope this letter finds you well. I wrote this because I need to say something, but words are hard to say out loud sometimes. I think you know that feeling well.”

Hey, this is good! Her thoughts filled with joy as she moved on.

“We’ve known each other for a while. During that time I’ve been filled with-”

She stopped there. What exactly has she been filled with? Happiness? Of course, but that seemed rather vague and empty to say. Butterflies? That’s too cliché. Convivial? What the hell did that even mean?

“UGH!! Why is writing so HARD?” Leif groaned, slamming his face into the desk in frustration. He ripped the paper from the pad it was attached to, crushed it, and tossed it behind him. Yet another failed letter. Rubbing his forehead, he tried to brush off his frustration. 

Why was he such a coward? This would be so much easier if he could just… say what he wanted right to Iris themself, but how could he? He wasn’t even sure if they were interested. After all, he’s just one of the most average cats around. They could do so much better than him. He could take the rejection if they didn’t, but what if such a confession ruined their friendship? What if they got weirded out by him to the point they felt awkward being near him? Oh god, that’s one of his worst nightmares. Iris was such an important cat in his life, and he couldn’t bear the thought of them disappearing from it. 

His current plan was to drop off an anonymous love letter at their house. To him, that was the best course of action, even planning for another cat to deliver it so he wouldn’t get caught. He had thought of also giving them a bouquet, but to be honest, he didn’t want to deal with Amore. Fleur could make some of the best arrangements Leif had ever seen, but that guy had a real attitude problem. He knew someone who went to fleur to get something for a birthday, and all Amore did was keep insulting them and using so many big words that fleur was barely understandable. They eventually got the flowers, but he had heard them label Amore as “the most stuck-up piece of shit I’ve ever known.” Maybe if he was cooler or smarter, he wouldn’t be so worried right now. He could get those flowers with no problems, completely ignore Amore’s remarks, show up at Iris’ door, and just say it. 

It felt like there was a giant hole in his chest; like someone had punched him and scooped part of him out. It kind of hurt. Every time he thought about Iris, he would feel something in his chest, and every time he thought about how much he loved them, it grew stronger. This “hole” feeling was also not uncommon. It happened every time he thought about all the bad things that could come from confessing. He didn’t like it at all, but he felt it every time he let his mind wander.

Leif finally lifted her face from the desk and was greeted again with a blank piece of paper. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a framed photo she kept on it. It was of her and Iris out on a walk, posed in front of a tree. She remembered that moment like it was yesterday. Leif had planned a series of events for that day: a nice lunch and a movie, but due to a million different things that made her believe the world was out to get her, they all fell through. Iris suggested they take a simple walk to pass the time instead. They chose a path that was new to both of them to switch things up, and that’s when they came across the prettiest tree they had ever seen. It twisted around itself, resulting in a very interesting shape, and its leaves faded from a bright yellow in the center to a dark green at the edge. Iris noted how much the leaves looked like her spacedust, and each of them took some of its leaves to take home as a keepsake. After they took the picture and began to head home, Iris mentioned how much of a great time they had. That made her heart flutter then, and as she recalled it now, it fluttered again.

Then it hit him. 

Iris usually stuck to strict plans, but they didn’t care about whether anything was perfect, well-planned, or anything like that when it involved him. They wouldn’t care if this wasn’t the most eloquent thing they would ever read, or if it was a mess. They’re not shallow. All he had to do was write. He didn’t need to make it fancy or smart. It just had to be his.

I… I have to do this. No matter how many tries, no matter how long it takes. I can’t keep this to myself anymore. C’mon, Leif! Just write like no one is going to read this! Like you’re yelling into the void! Don’t stop for a second, let it all flow out!

A deep breath filled the air, then the sound of pen scribbles. It was impossible to tell how long she had sat there, but she took her advice and just wrote on and on, never stopping for more than a minute at a time. Leif was so in the zone that she didn’t notice how much she was writing until she came to sign off at the end. In total, it was one page, front and back, of Leif’s purely unfiltered, unrefined, and unassisted words. A letter crafted of nothing but Leif’s genuine feelings.

Did I… do it? Is this good? 

He began to read it over, leg bouncing anxiously as he did. This…

…was good? 

He didn’t hate what he wrote?

Yes! He did it!

…but now he had to get it to them.

…

That’s enough! Stop being so scared! Just do it!

Leif grabbed his phone, sent a text to his designated delivery cat, and hid under his pillow until he heard a knock on the door.

Iris was sitting at their desk, looming over a piece of paper. The soft noise of a pen drifting over the page was the only audible sound in the room. It was almost rhythmic.

“The moon rats of Port Borealis seem to be divided into two subspecies: the full moon rat and the new moon rat. They are practically identical at first glance, except for their inverted fur patterns, but more research is required to determine the extent of their differences. They are quite intelligent, as they are able to solve puzzles and perform tricks for pieces of cheese. The rats also leave cheese for those they like, so it is not uncommon for a moon rat to leave its companions or other creatures a treat.”

They were busy writing up a report based on the findings of a new species that was spotted scurrying around Port Borealis. At first, they were believed to be regular rats that managed to stow away on ships, but looking into them further led to the realization that these rats were genetically different than those living on planets as if they were adapted to live on a space station instead. The leading theory is that they came from traveller ships and later evolved to fit life in space better. Iris was tasked to help study them, and they had just returned home to Starville a few days ago. Once this report was finished, they hoped they could relax for a bit.

They were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door.

Hm? Who could that be?

Iris got up and made their way to the door. They weren’t expecting anyone to come over, so needless to say they were a bit surprised. They opened the door, but they saw that no one was there. They looked around for a bit, trying to see if there was anyone could have knocked, but there wasn’t anyone in sight. Iris frowned a bit, believing they had been a victim of a juvenile prank before they spotted something at their paws.

It was an envelope, face down, and sealed with a heart sticker.

What’s this?

They picked it up and flipped it over. On its face, “Iris” was written across it. Even though it wasn’t properly addressed, and had no indication of who it was from, they guessed it was meant for them. It was left at their door, after all. They took the letter inside, shutting the door behind them and returning to their room.

Let’s see what this is…. I could use a break anyway.

Using a claw, they sliced open the envelope, revealing its contents to be a folded page. Unfurling it, the paper revealed itself to be a letter. Iris began to read the message.

“To Iris,”

“I hope this letter finds you well. I wrote this because I need to say something, but words are hard to say out loud sometimes. I think you know that feeling well.

I have to admit something to you. Ever since I met you, I have felt my life has gotten so much better by just having you in it. I adore any chance we get to hang out, it makes me feel like I’m floating on air. The amount of trust you have chosen to have in me makes me feel important, more important than I ever would normally. You make me feel so special and lucky, that a cat like you would ever want to stand near me, let alone be friends.

I’m trying not to sound too generic or cliché here, but it’s all the truth. I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to say everything, even like this. This kind of stuff is hard, and I don’t fully understand it, but I do understand this. I think I like you more than just a friend would. More than just a best friend. I think this is what love feels like. I think I love you.

Though, I’m sorry. I know I just said that to you, but I’m still so afraid of everything. I know you’re not petty, but I don’t want to scare you or make you feel uncomfortable around me, so I’m not signing this. If you see the cat that leaves this, that’s not me. I hope one day I can tell you face to face, but for now, I have to do this. I hope that when I tell you face to face, and even if you don’t feel the same way, we can both still be friends. Until then, I hope you have an amazing day, or night, or whenever you read this.

Signed,

A secret admirer. ”

As Iris read, their mouth drooped open into a small “o” shape.

Love..? 

Iris often prided themself on their intelligence, and their ability to figure things out rather quickly, but right now, they were clueless. Just like the mystery letter writer, they also didn’t know much about love either. They were also currently stumped about who could have sent this, their mind so clouded by the words on the page that they couldn’t think straight.

Then a feeling rose in their chest. A flutter.

I…

They read the letter again. 

And again.

Why did they keep reading it? They didn’t have a clue, honestly. It just felt right. It also helped each time to clear their head. After a few more reads, they started picking up things. The handwriting looked like it was purposefully disguised, but some quirks still bleed through. The choice of words was also telling. When Iris really thought about it, they knew only one cat who would talk like this. When that certain cat entered their head, the flutter in their chest returned. 

It was a very pleasant feeling. 

Iris’ face shifted to a smile. Taking the letter in their paws, they brought it to a photo frame that sat on their desk. Taped to the frame were a pair of leaves, fading from dark green to bright yellow. They looked at the photo for a generous amount of time.

The photo of them…

And Leif.

They folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Once they finished, they put the envelope next to the photo frame, making sure it was visible.

Alright, “secret admirer”, I don’t want to steal your thunder… So, I’ll stay here until you feel like you can say it. I’ll wait for you.